I remember when we got pregnant with Wyatt I wondered where I would find more love in my life for another person. I loved Tom so deeply, was so amazed at our marriage and the joy I had just being with him that I marvelled at the idea of our joy increasing. But on November 4th it grew. And then seven months later we discovered we were pregant again and I once more wondered, will my emotional capacity increase just as it did with Tom and Wyatt? Of course when Cassidy arrived on February 13th my love increased and the pleasure of having two beautiful children made life perfect. When we found out we would have another child it was bittersweet; his arrival seemed the only joy we had after my aunt's unexpected leaving. It was a beautiful experience, having him arrive on Lauren's birthday. And my figurative heart grew with even more love.
It emptied as quickly as it filled. What happens to the love a mother has for her children when those children have vanished? How do you still love when you can't kiss or hug or squeeze those babies that grew inside, causing your heart to grow too?
I will tell you: just like a balloon, once full of air and then opened up and the air released my heart is now stretched out and filled with pain. Looking at pictures of our family, Wyatt and Cassidy holding our hands, my belly round with Zeke, I am not filled with love or joy, just pain and emptiness. And what will take away this pain?
There's a song taken from the Word that says: If I'm high upon the moutain, If I'm low down in the valley, I will give you praise.
How long must we stay in the valley?
I see your heart as a hot-air balloon right now. Balloons start out filled with cold air and stretch out, but are still lying flat on the ground. I see the hot air coming in, coming from our Father's heart to yours, just like in an actual hot-air balloon. It rushes in to the cold air. They don't really mix, but they swirl together causing what seems like a strange reaction. But this hot air (our Father's love) causes that cold air in you to move and it starts to lift you up. You, now filled with both cold air and hot air - both your own pain and the Father's love - begin to rise. Those two are needed in order to lift the balloon up. You will rise again too. I don't know when, I don't know how, but you will and it will be the Father lifting you up. Come Lord.
ReplyDeletei love you.
ReplyDeletei will be praying psalm 84:6-7 for you
ReplyDelete6 As they pass through the Valley of Baca [tears], they make it a place of springs;
the autumn rains also cover it with pools. 7 They go from strength to strength,
till each appears before God in Zion.