Thursday, January 27, 2011

Bonhoeffer, The End

I finished reading Bonhoeffer's biography. I recommend it to everyone. It's written well, the content is interesting and his example is inspiring.

His last recorded words, before going to the gallows just weeks before the end of the war:

This is the end...for me the beginning of life.

Monday, January 24, 2011

Thank You

The last few weeks I have felt overwhelmed by our circumstances. The grief lingers about my heart constantly, at every turn a reminder of Wyatt or Zeke making my stomach sick. Tom is back to painting; his shoulder getting achy, his hours away from us long. Yuma bites and licks herself all day, or it seems that way. She looks at me so pathetically, like there's something I could tell her that would make her snap out of it. She is miserable and it's making me miserable.

But I know people are at work. We've received generous gifts of money, which have come in such a timely manner. Tom got his current painting job from a referral from Jessica, and that helped tremendously also. The people he is painting for are a very sweet and thoughtful couple, leaving chips and cookies out for Tom. That's a first.

People have put out the word for Yuma, too. We are in contact with a woman who loves German Shepherds and works specifically to rehabilitate them. This might be our last week with Yuma. It's sad to think about. We picked her out of a large litter, potty trained her in the snow, taught her to stay in the yard off leash, and trained her to talk. Kind of. She has been a part of our family for 6 years. We got her right before we became pregnant with Wyatt. And then all of this happens and she's so unhappy. We pray her new home will be a safe place for her and that she will settle in easily. Please pray we make the right decision for her. I just want her to be happy.

Two weeks ago I received an offer from Shutterfly to create an album for free, all I had to pay for was the shipping. I worked late into the night to get the book done since I only had a few days, but we now have a beautiful book containing our brief memories with Ezekiel. I am so thankful the L-RD gave me this gift. It was a blessing to go through the photographs and see what a beautiful child he is. In some ways in makes him feel not so far away. At least that's how I feel tonight.

Last night during worship we sang "Sovereign L-RD is my strength". I've been struggling with being strong, with persevering through this pain. Getting out of bed is hard for me, but I do it (however late it may be) because Cassidy is there waiting for me. I have no option to not be strong. Then last night I heard G-D say, Let Me be your strength. But how?

There are a few ways He is showing me how, but I will only write about one since this post is getting long and the other ideas need more time. I realize it is ok to keep going, to continue to do the things I did before the boys left. Like making challah. This is something I enjoy doing, typically, but after Wyatt went I couldn't bring myself to do it. So someone else did it for me. Every week Shea brought over a loaf of challah, and sometimes she even brought wine. And some weeks I didn't make a big meal for Sabbath, but we still had challah. And slowly I accepted that I could go on. I had to continue in this life, even though my hope is caught up in the next one.

Just last week, as I searched around for a new way to braid the weekly bread I came upon the Hebrew word for challah, "portion". I heeded the gentle reminder:
 My flesh and my heart may fail, but G-d is the strength of my heart and my portion forever. Psalm 73:26
 You are my portion, O L-RD; I have promised to obey your words. Psalm 119:57
 I cry to you, O L-RD; I say, "You are my refuge, my portion in the land of the living." Psalm 142:5
 I say to myself, "The L-RD is my portion; therefore I will wait for him." Lamentations 3:24

I will continue to do the things that are required of me as a mother, wife and friend. Now I can see how He wants to meet me in those things, to touch me through a conversation with Lauren, or a meal with Maasen, or a car ride with Cassidy. I am thankful for His physical presence.

There's more to this journey, this revelation of Him being my strength, but I'll save that for another night. Thanks for sticking with me. Through this post, through this life.

Every time you eat sweet challah think of little Wyatt, running through the house yelling, "Sweet Challah! Sweet Challah! Cassie, Mama made Sweet Challah!"

Monday, January 10, 2011

Bonhoeffer: Pastor, Martyr, Prophet, Spy

Who can comprehend how those whom G-d takes early are chosen? Does not the early death of young Christians always appear to us as if G-d were plundering his own best instruments in a time in which they are most needed? Yet the L-rd makes no mistakes. Might G-d need our brothers for some hidden service on our behalf in the heavenly world? We should put an end to our human thoughts, which always wish to know more than they can, and cling to that which is certain. Whomever G-d calls home is someone G-d has loved. "For their souls were pleasing to the L-rd, therefore he took them quickly from the midst of wickedness" (Wisdom of Solomon 4)...Death reveals that the world is not as it should be but that it stands in need of redemption. Christ alone is the conquering of death. (383-4)
Dietrich Bonhoeffer wrote these words in response to the deaths of several of his students during World War 2. He could not have known that he too would be called to the heavenly kingdom in a time in which he was most needed. The biography of Bonhoeffer by Eric Metaxas has lifted my spirit. As a German believer he struggled with the evil that surrounded him, the truths he held onto tightly and his responsibility as a follower of Jesus to stand for justice and defeat wickedness. He wrote many amazing things throughout his short life which I plan on sharing here. I hope if you have the money you will go out and buy this book. It has been one of the most encouraging stories I have read in a long time. This is not just because of my grief journey, but because of my faith journey as well. Metaxas is a wonderful writer, capturing the spirit of Bonhoffer while including the political and moral unraveling of Germany. If you can't afford to buy it, try your library, or the Tblake library. I'd love to share.

The book cover has a large photograph of Bonhoeffer on it, leading Cassidy to wonder about this man (much like the kids asking about Moshe Dayan). I've been telling her bits and pieces about him, and what he lived through and how much he loved G-d and did what was right. The other night while lying in her bed the two of us talked about Wyatt and Zeke, the usual missing them memories. We usually get back to the truth that they are in heaven, and one day we will see them again. When I asked her who they were in heaven with she replied, "Bonhoeffer".

Might G-d need our brothers for some hidden service on our behalf
in the heavenly world?