Grocery Shopping

Believe it or not I used to enjoy going to the grocery store. Wyatt and Cass would ride in a "cool cart", a fire truck or taxi or race car. I would give Wyatt the snack and he would be a good distributor of the food. When the food was gone they'd stand on the side of the cart, hanging on tightly and when I stopped to get something off the shelf they would jump down and scoop up imaginary trash and throw it in the basket. Sometimes Cass would miss an imaginary piece of trash and Wyatt the trash man would be sure to point it out to her. He'd ask for a piece of provolone whenever we neared the deli counter and when he saw the big display cakes on the counter he'd run over and look at the pictures of cakes in the book.

It's hard to say one part was his favorite, he seemed to enjoy every part of grocery shopping, but I know he loved riding the free horse at Hy-Vee a lot. They would take turns on who got to ride first and then climb up and push the button. He taught Cassie how to grab pretend arrows from their pretend quivers and then shoot the bad guys while riding the horse, sound effects and all. Even loading the groceries was fun because I would let them climb in through the back of the van. What a thrill.

Today Cass rode in a regular cart, her baby doll Lulu by her side. I don't like to push the big "cool" carts around, they're not very manageable and I prefer to talk to Cass while I'm shopping. Getting a firetruck and not having Wyatt in it would make shopping even harder. Cass got her free piece of cheese, "probolone", and I let her ride the horse twice since no one was waiting. She shot the Halloween spider balloon with her arrows.
I even miss him complaining about those gross Halloween decorations. There weren't many at this one, thankfully, but I'm sure he would be proud of Cassie shooting the spider balloon. Cassie and I talked about the coming rain as we rolled through the parking lot and when I opened the back of the van she climbed up and over the seat just like her big brother.

Love

I remember when we got pregnant with Wyatt I wondered where I would find more love in my life for another person. I loved Tom so deeply, was so amazed at our marriage and the joy I had just being with him that I marvelled at the idea of our joy increasing. But on November 4th it grew. And then seven months later we discovered we were pregant again and I once more wondered, will my emotional capacity increase just as it did with Tom and Wyatt? Of course when Cassidy arrived on February 13th my love increased and the pleasure of having two beautiful children made life perfect. When we found out we would have another child it was bittersweet; his arrival seemed the only joy we had after my aunt's unexpected leaving. It was a beautiful experience, having him arrive on Lauren's birthday. And my figurative heart grew with even more love.

It emptied as quickly as it filled. What happens to the love a mother has for her children when those children have vanished? How do you still love when you can't kiss or hug or squeeze those babies that grew inside, causing your heart to grow too?

I will tell you: just like a balloon, once full of air and then opened up and the air released my heart is now stretched out and filled with pain. Looking at pictures of our family, Wyatt and Cassidy holding our hands, my belly round with Zeke, I am not filled with love or joy, just pain and emptiness. And what will take away this pain?

There's a song taken from the Word that says: If I'm high upon the moutain, If I'm low down in the valley, I will give you praise.

How long must we stay in the valley?