Bonhoeffer, The End

I finished reading Bonhoeffer's biography. I recommend it to everyone. It's written well, the content is interesting and his example is inspiring.

His last recorded words, before going to the gallows just weeks before the end of the war:

This is the end...for me the beginning of life.

Thank You

The last few weeks I have felt overwhelmed by our circumstances. The grief lingers about my heart constantly, at every turn a reminder of Wyatt or Zeke making my stomach sick. Tom is back to painting; his shoulder getting achy, his hours away from us long. Yuma bites and licks herself all day, or it seems that way. She looks at me so pathetically, like there's something I could tell her that would make her snap out of it. She is miserable and it's making me miserable.

But I know people are at work. We've received generous gifts of money, which have come in such a timely manner. Tom got his current painting job from a referral from Jessica, and that helped tremendously also. The people he is painting for are a very sweet and thoughtful couple, leaving chips and cookies out for Tom. That's a first.

People have put out the word for Yuma, too. We are in contact with a woman who loves German Shepherds and works specifically to rehabilitate them. This might be our last week with Yuma. It's sad to think about. We picked her out of a large litter, potty trained her in the snow, taught her to stay in the yard off leash, and trained her to talk. Kind of. She has been a part of our family for 6 years. We got her right before we became pregnant with Wyatt. And then all of this happens and she's so unhappy. We pray her new home will be a safe place for her and that she will settle in easily. Please pray we make the right decision for her. I just want her to be happy.

Two weeks ago I received an offer from Shutterfly to create an album for free, all I had to pay for was the shipping. I worked late into the night to get the book done since I only had a few days, but we now have a beautiful book containing our brief memories with Ezekiel. I am so thankful the L-RD gave me this gift. It was a blessing to go through the photographs and see what a beautiful child he is. In some ways in makes him feel not so far away. At least that's how I feel tonight.

Last night during worship we sang "Sovereign L-RD is my strength". I've been struggling with being strong, with persevering through this pain. Getting out of bed is hard for me, but I do it (however late it may be) because Cassidy is there waiting for me. I have no option to not be strong. Then last night I heard G-D say, Let Me be your strength. But how?

There are a few ways He is showing me how, but I will only write about one since this post is getting long and the other ideas need more time. I realize it is ok to keep going, to continue to do the things I did before the boys left. Like making challah. This is something I enjoy doing, typically, but after Wyatt went I couldn't bring myself to do it. So someone else did it for me. Every week Shea brought over a loaf of challah, and sometimes she even brought wine. And some weeks I didn't make a big meal for Sabbath, but we still had challah. And slowly I accepted that I could go on. I had to continue in this life, even though my hope is caught up in the next one.

Just last week, as I searched around for a new way to braid the weekly bread I came upon the Hebrew word for challah, "portion". I heeded the gentle reminder:
 My flesh and my heart may fail, but G-d is the strength of my heart and my portion forever. Psalm 73:26
 You are my portion, O L-RD; I have promised to obey your words. Psalm 119:57
 I cry to you, O L-RD; I say, "You are my refuge, my portion in the land of the living." Psalm 142:5
 I say to myself, "The L-RD is my portion; therefore I will wait for him." Lamentations 3:24

I will continue to do the things that are required of me as a mother, wife and friend. Now I can see how He wants to meet me in those things, to touch me through a conversation with Lauren, or a meal with Maasen, or a car ride with Cassidy. I am thankful for His physical presence.

There's more to this journey, this revelation of Him being my strength, but I'll save that for another night. Thanks for sticking with me. Through this post, through this life.

Every time you eat sweet challah think of little Wyatt, running through the house yelling, "Sweet Challah! Sweet Challah! Cassie, Mama made Sweet Challah!"

Bonhoeffer: Pastor, Martyr, Prophet, Spy

Who can comprehend how those whom G-d takes early are chosen? Does not the early death of young Christians always appear to us as if G-d were plundering his own best instruments in a time in which they are most needed? Yet the L-rd makes no mistakes. Might G-d need our brothers for some hidden service on our behalf in the heavenly world? We should put an end to our human thoughts, which always wish to know more than they can, and cling to that which is certain. Whomever G-d calls home is someone G-d has loved. "For their souls were pleasing to the L-rd, therefore he took them quickly from the midst of wickedness" (Wisdom of Solomon 4)...Death reveals that the world is not as it should be but that it stands in need of redemption. Christ alone is the conquering of death. (383-4)

Dietrich Bonhoeffer wrote these words in response to the deaths of several of his students during World War 2. He could not have known that he too would be called to the heavenly kingdom in a time in which he was most needed. The biography of Bonhoeffer by Eric Metaxas has lifted my spirit. As a German believer he struggled with the evil that surrounded him, the truths he held onto tightly and his responsibility as a follower of Jesus to stand for justice and defeat wickedness. He wrote many amazing things throughout his short life which I plan on sharing here. I hope if you have the money you will go out and buy this book. It has been one of the most encouraging stories I have read in a long time. This is not just because of my grief journey, but because of my faith journey as well. Metaxas is a wonderful writer, capturing the spirit of Bonhoffer while including the political and moral unraveling of Germany. If you can't afford to buy it, try your library, or the Tblake library. I'd love to share.

The book cover has a large photograph of Bonhoeffer on it, leading Cassidy to wonder about this man (much like the kids asking about Moshe Dayan). I've been telling her bits and pieces about him, and what he lived through and how much he loved G-d and did what was right. The other night while lying in her bed the two of us talked about Wyatt and Zeke, the usual missing them memories. We usually get back to the truth that they are in heaven, and one day we will see them again. When I asked her who they were in heaven with she replied, "Bonhoeffer".

Might G-d need our brothers for some hidden service on our behalf

in the heavenly world?

Not by Sight

Last week Big Cass informed me that Art Sunday was coming up. The idea for this day was to finger paint a canvas with a verse on it. My job was to come up with a verse. Immediately the L-rd brought to my mind "for we live by faith, not by sight." Now where is that verse found? B.C. (that's what Maas calls her) pulled out her trusty grey bible and turned to the back where all of the topics are layed out in an easy-to-reseach way. Faith. 2 Corinthians 5. And since context is king let's read a little more:

verses 1-11

We know that when the tent which houses us here on earth is torn down, we have a permanent building from G-d, a building not made by human hands, to house us in heaven. For in this tent, our earthly body, we groan with desire to have around us the home from heaven that will be ours. With this around us we will not be found naked. Yes, while we are in this body, we groan with the sense of being oppressed: it is not so much that we want to take something off, but rather to put something on over it; so that what must die may be swallowed up by the Life. Moreover, it is G-d who has prepared us for this very thing, and as a pledge he has given us his Spirit. So we are always confident - we know that so long as we are at home in the body, we are away from our home with the Lord; for we live by trust, not by what we see. We are confident, then, and would much prefer to leave our home in the body and come to our home with the L-rd. Therefore, whether at home or away from home, we try our utmost to please him; for we must all appear before the Messiah's court of judgment, where everyone will receive the good or bad consequences of what he did while he was in the body. So it is with the fear of the L-rd before us that we try to persuade people. Moreover, G-d knows us as we really are; and I hope that in your consciences you too know us as we really are. 

That whole section resonnates with me. Of course I long to be with Jesus and that's all the more reason to live this life according to his ways. I shared this with Tom Monday morning and he said, "This gives me hope." Hope is growing in us, in the middle of our sadness. G-d's word is new every day, it is meant for us at our various points, our different experiences.

I am thankful Big Cass is in our lives, helping Little Cass to appreciate art and creating. But I suppose more importantly I am waiting for the L-rd to open the door for BC to use her gifts to draw even more people to himself. As verse 11 says: So it is with the fear of the L-rd before us that we try to persuade people.

Happy Birthday, Buddy

I don't know what this day will look like for us. I spent a lot of time looking at photographs and watching videos. We have had so much fun, playing, learning, laughing. We don't know what G-d has in store for us, but our lives are so full because of Wyatt. Sometimes his little smile is what makes me cry, and sometimes I can smile right along with him. I hope these photographs bring you joy.


Such a joyful, tender-hearted and brave boy.

Click here to view these pictures larger

Grocery Shopping

Believe it or not I used to enjoy going to the grocery store. Wyatt and Cass would ride in a "cool cart", a fire truck or taxi or race car. I would give Wyatt the snack and he would be a good distributor of the food. When the food was gone they'd stand on the side of the cart, hanging on tightly and when I stopped to get something off the shelf they would jump down and scoop up imaginary trash and throw it in the basket. Sometimes Cass would miss an imaginary piece of trash and Wyatt the trash man would be sure to point it out to her. He'd ask for a piece of provolone whenever we neared the deli counter and when he saw the big display cakes on the counter he'd run over and look at the pictures of cakes in the book.

It's hard to say one part was his favorite, he seemed to enjoy every part of grocery shopping, but I know he loved riding the free horse at Hy-Vee a lot. They would take turns on who got to ride first and then climb up and push the button. He taught Cassie how to grab pretend arrows from their pretend quivers and then shoot the bad guys while riding the horse, sound effects and all. Even loading the groceries was fun because I would let them climb in through the back of the van. What a thrill.

Today Cass rode in a regular cart, her baby doll Lulu by her side. I don't like to push the big "cool" carts around, they're not very manageable and I prefer to talk to Cass while I'm shopping. Getting a firetruck and not having Wyatt in it would make shopping even harder. Cass got her free piece of cheese, "probolone", and I let her ride the horse twice since no one was waiting. She shot the Halloween spider balloon with her arrows.
I even miss him complaining about those gross Halloween decorations. There weren't many at this one, thankfully, but I'm sure he would be proud of Cassie shooting the spider balloon. Cassie and I talked about the coming rain as we rolled through the parking lot and when I opened the back of the van she climbed up and over the seat just like her big brother.

Love

I remember when we got pregnant with Wyatt I wondered where I would find more love in my life for another person. I loved Tom so deeply, was so amazed at our marriage and the joy I had just being with him that I marvelled at the idea of our joy increasing. But on November 4th it grew. And then seven months later we discovered we were pregant again and I once more wondered, will my emotional capacity increase just as it did with Tom and Wyatt? Of course when Cassidy arrived on February 13th my love increased and the pleasure of having two beautiful children made life perfect. When we found out we would have another child it was bittersweet; his arrival seemed the only joy we had after my aunt's unexpected leaving. It was a beautiful experience, having him arrive on Lauren's birthday. And my figurative heart grew with even more love.

It emptied as quickly as it filled. What happens to the love a mother has for her children when those children have vanished? How do you still love when you can't kiss or hug or squeeze those babies that grew inside, causing your heart to grow too?

I will tell you: just like a balloon, once full of air and then opened up and the air released my heart is now stretched out and filled with pain. Looking at pictures of our family, Wyatt and Cassidy holding our hands, my belly round with Zeke, I am not filled with love or joy, just pain and emptiness. And what will take away this pain?

There's a song taken from the Word that says: If I'm high upon the moutain, If I'm low down in the valley, I will give you praise.

How long must we stay in the valley?