Thank You

I just read Sam's post, http://vanbuskirk.tumblr.com/ In the last year and a half my wrestle with this concept of praising G-D in all things has been unending. How do I praise him in the hard things? The really hard things? I struggle with trusting him in these hard times, thanking him seems impossible. I continue to pursue a relationship with him, but every time we talk I'm hesitant. What's he going to say? What's the next boulder he's going to throw in the way? Like I said, we're still talking, but sometimes I'm yelling. Perhaps I'm trying his patience as much as he's testing mine.

I am currently reading a book by Patty Juster called 'The Cry'. Her life is filled with challenges from the L-RD, including her youngest son going to be with the L-RD when he was 12. She writes powerful truths about who G-D is and how we as humans continue in relationship with him, even after we've been deeply hurt, by him or someone else. Jane Hansen Hoyt, in the Foreword to the book, writes "A desperate people receive supernatural intervention".

What does desperate mean? I think I've reached desperation, and some days it feels as though I've gone beyond it, but then he does something that brings me back to zero. During one of my sleepless moments at night I was talking with him and I realized I wanted to be loved by him the way I want to be loved by Tom. I want a gift. A gift that comes from him, not his faithful followers. Is this fair? Will he do this? Am I asking too much? Am I loving him?

So I'm analyzing our relationship. The areas where I need improvement will require his miraculous touch. The trust, the hope, the mirth, these are things that I pray he will shift within me. Just as he took my deep anger and hopelessness, I know he can move to bring me to a safer place. I will sit down more often and listen to him, and read about him and praise him for the gifts that come from him, no matter how they come (but I'm still holding out for my miraculous gift).

Which really brings me to why I'm writing this post. There is a scripture that I recently came across that resonates with me. It's a verse that we as a family can't get away from, humbling though it is: The oppressor of the poor insults his maker, but he who is kind to the needy honors him (Proverbs 14:31). The kindness we've experienced in the last three days (let alone the last 18 months) reminds us of our maker and those who have reached out certainly honor him. Whatever rewards look like in Heaven theirs will be great. Thank you.

Thank You

The last few weeks I have felt overwhelmed by our circumstances. The grief lingers about my heart constantly, at every turn a reminder of Wyatt or Zeke making my stomach sick. Tom is back to painting; his shoulder getting achy, his hours away from us long. Yuma bites and licks herself all day, or it seems that way. She looks at me so pathetically, like there's something I could tell her that would make her snap out of it. She is miserable and it's making me miserable.

But I know people are at work. We've received generous gifts of money, which have come in such a timely manner. Tom got his current painting job from a referral from Jessica, and that helped tremendously also. The people he is painting for are a very sweet and thoughtful couple, leaving chips and cookies out for Tom. That's a first.

People have put out the word for Yuma, too. We are in contact with a woman who loves German Shepherds and works specifically to rehabilitate them. This might be our last week with Yuma. It's sad to think about. We picked her out of a large litter, potty trained her in the snow, taught her to stay in the yard off leash, and trained her to talk. Kind of. She has been a part of our family for 6 years. We got her right before we became pregnant with Wyatt. And then all of this happens and she's so unhappy. We pray her new home will be a safe place for her and that she will settle in easily. Please pray we make the right decision for her. I just want her to be happy.

Two weeks ago I received an offer from Shutterfly to create an album for free, all I had to pay for was the shipping. I worked late into the night to get the book done since I only had a few days, but we now have a beautiful book containing our brief memories with Ezekiel. I am so thankful the L-RD gave me this gift. It was a blessing to go through the photographs and see what a beautiful child he is. In some ways in makes him feel not so far away. At least that's how I feel tonight.

Last night during worship we sang "Sovereign L-RD is my strength". I've been struggling with being strong, with persevering through this pain. Getting out of bed is hard for me, but I do it (however late it may be) because Cassidy is there waiting for me. I have no option to not be strong. Then last night I heard G-D say, Let Me be your strength. But how?

There are a few ways He is showing me how, but I will only write about one since this post is getting long and the other ideas need more time. I realize it is ok to keep going, to continue to do the things I did before the boys left. Like making challah. This is something I enjoy doing, typically, but after Wyatt went I couldn't bring myself to do it. So someone else did it for me. Every week Shea brought over a loaf of challah, and sometimes she even brought wine. And some weeks I didn't make a big meal for Sabbath, but we still had challah. And slowly I accepted that I could go on. I had to continue in this life, even though my hope is caught up in the next one.

Just last week, as I searched around for a new way to braid the weekly bread I came upon the Hebrew word for challah, "portion". I heeded the gentle reminder:
 My flesh and my heart may fail, but G-d is the strength of my heart and my portion forever. Psalm 73:26
 You are my portion, O L-RD; I have promised to obey your words. Psalm 119:57
 I cry to you, O L-RD; I say, "You are my refuge, my portion in the land of the living." Psalm 142:5
 I say to myself, "The L-RD is my portion; therefore I will wait for him." Lamentations 3:24

I will continue to do the things that are required of me as a mother, wife and friend. Now I can see how He wants to meet me in those things, to touch me through a conversation with Lauren, or a meal with Maasen, or a car ride with Cassidy. I am thankful for His physical presence.

There's more to this journey, this revelation of Him being my strength, but I'll save that for another night. Thanks for sticking with me. Through this post, through this life.

Every time you eat sweet challah think of little Wyatt, running through the house yelling, "Sweet Challah! Sweet Challah! Cassie, Mama made Sweet Challah!"