Thank You

The last few weeks I have felt overwhelmed by our circumstances. The grief lingers about my heart constantly, at every turn a reminder of Wyatt or Zeke making my stomach sick. Tom is back to painting; his shoulder getting achy, his hours away from us long. Yuma bites and licks herself all day, or it seems that way. She looks at me so pathetically, like there's something I could tell her that would make her snap out of it. She is miserable and it's making me miserable.

But I know people are at work. We've received generous gifts of money, which have come in such a timely manner. Tom got his current painting job from a referral from Jessica, and that helped tremendously also. The people he is painting for are a very sweet and thoughtful couple, leaving chips and cookies out for Tom. That's a first.

People have put out the word for Yuma, too. We are in contact with a woman who loves German Shepherds and works specifically to rehabilitate them. This might be our last week with Yuma. It's sad to think about. We picked her out of a large litter, potty trained her in the snow, taught her to stay in the yard off leash, and trained her to talk. Kind of. She has been a part of our family for 6 years. We got her right before we became pregnant with Wyatt. And then all of this happens and she's so unhappy. We pray her new home will be a safe place for her and that she will settle in easily. Please pray we make the right decision for her. I just want her to be happy.

Two weeks ago I received an offer from Shutterfly to create an album for free, all I had to pay for was the shipping. I worked late into the night to get the book done since I only had a few days, but we now have a beautiful book containing our brief memories with Ezekiel. I am so thankful the L-RD gave me this gift. It was a blessing to go through the photographs and see what a beautiful child he is. In some ways in makes him feel not so far away. At least that's how I feel tonight.

Last night during worship we sang "Sovereign L-RD is my strength". I've been struggling with being strong, with persevering through this pain. Getting out of bed is hard for me, but I do it (however late it may be) because Cassidy is there waiting for me. I have no option to not be strong. Then last night I heard G-D say, Let Me be your strength. But how?

There are a few ways He is showing me how, but I will only write about one since this post is getting long and the other ideas need more time. I realize it is ok to keep going, to continue to do the things I did before the boys left. Like making challah. This is something I enjoy doing, typically, but after Wyatt went I couldn't bring myself to do it. So someone else did it for me. Every week Shea brought over a loaf of challah, and sometimes she even brought wine. And some weeks I didn't make a big meal for Sabbath, but we still had challah. And slowly I accepted that I could go on. I had to continue in this life, even though my hope is caught up in the next one.

Just last week, as I searched around for a new way to braid the weekly bread I came upon the Hebrew word for challah, "portion". I heeded the gentle reminder:
 My flesh and my heart may fail, but G-d is the strength of my heart and my portion forever. Psalm 73:26
 You are my portion, O L-RD; I have promised to obey your words. Psalm 119:57
 I cry to you, O L-RD; I say, "You are my refuge, my portion in the land of the living." Psalm 142:5
 I say to myself, "The L-RD is my portion; therefore I will wait for him." Lamentations 3:24

I will continue to do the things that are required of me as a mother, wife and friend. Now I can see how He wants to meet me in those things, to touch me through a conversation with Lauren, or a meal with Maasen, or a car ride with Cassidy. I am thankful for His physical presence.

There's more to this journey, this revelation of Him being my strength, but I'll save that for another night. Thanks for sticking with me. Through this post, through this life.

Every time you eat sweet challah think of little Wyatt, running through the house yelling, "Sweet Challah! Sweet Challah! Cassie, Mama made Sweet Challah!"