Thank You

I just read Sam's post, http://vanbuskirk.tumblr.com/ In the last year and a half my wrestle with this concept of praising G-D in all things has been unending. How do I praise him in the hard things? The really hard things? I struggle with trusting him in these hard times, thanking him seems impossible. I continue to pursue a relationship with him, but every time we talk I'm hesitant. What's he going to say? What's the next boulder he's going to throw in the way? Like I said, we're still talking, but sometimes I'm yelling. Perhaps I'm trying his patience as much as he's testing mine.

I am currently reading a book by Patty Juster called 'The Cry'. Her life is filled with challenges from the L-RD, including her youngest son going to be with the L-RD when he was 12. She writes powerful truths about who G-D is and how we as humans continue in relationship with him, even after we've been deeply hurt, by him or someone else. Jane Hansen Hoyt, in the Foreword to the book, writes "A desperate people receive supernatural intervention".

What does desperate mean? I think I've reached desperation, and some days it feels as though I've gone beyond it, but then he does something that brings me back to zero. During one of my sleepless moments at night I was talking with him and I realized I wanted to be loved by him the way I want to be loved by Tom. I want a gift. A gift that comes from him, not his faithful followers. Is this fair? Will he do this? Am I asking too much? Am I loving him?

So I'm analyzing our relationship. The areas where I need improvement will require his miraculous touch. The trust, the hope, the mirth, these are things that I pray he will shift within me. Just as he took my deep anger and hopelessness, I know he can move to bring me to a safer place. I will sit down more often and listen to him, and read about him and praise him for the gifts that come from him, no matter how they come (but I'm still holding out for my miraculous gift).

Which really brings me to why I'm writing this post. There is a scripture that I recently came across that resonates with me. It's a verse that we as a family can't get away from, humbling though it is: The oppressor of the poor insults his maker, but he who is kind to the needy honors him (Proverbs 14:31). The kindness we've experienced in the last three days (let alone the last 18 months) reminds us of our maker and those who have reached out certainly honor him. Whatever rewards look like in Heaven theirs will be great. Thank you.

Psalm 56:8

I spent some time this morning with a wonderful woman and she gave me this:

Sharon cross-stitched it herself and then looked up what some of the interpretations of this verse are. Here is one that resonates with me: A metaphor from the keeper of a vineyard who receives into his vessel the drops of the grapes pressed out by the winepress of affliction.

I shared with Sharon some of the wonderful things about Wyatt that she never got to experience. I wrote down this one from January of last year: Wyatt and Cass were playing with Playmobil (soldiers and police officers) and he made a police officer Jesus and another one was Peter [Peter was his favorite because he carried a sword in the Garden of Gethsemane]. All the soldiers were romans and everyone else were disciples. At one point he said, "All the soldiers died, but two got saved. Alleluia!" Then he told Cass to say, "Alleluia to Jesus!"

I rejoice that our sons say "Alleluia" to the King of kings, but I'm ready to stop crying tears of pain.